There is a new shape we never identified before, and I feel that it is very clearly a woman riding a magic carpet, while the femme feels it is a woman doing laundry on an old-timey washing machine (whatever the hell that is)! We’ll just start yelling at the ceiling and talking over each other when discussing the spot:

“DurrrOfCourseItIsAWomanRidingAMagicCarpetSheIsWavingByeWithHerScarf-”

“NO! IT IS A LADY WASHING HER CLOTHES!”

“Then why is she on a magic carpet????”

On and on.

A simple google image search of “woman riding magic carpet” yields the following picture:

A search for old-timey washing machine:

Right.

Now, the spot, and the poll!

Controversial

It’s here, at last! THE WORLD’S FIRST FEMMEMOMETER™! Isn’t it fucking amazing? I know. To clarify, we promised Sublime Femme that we’d create this wonder before the weekend was through, to give her a visual of a wide range of femmes, what I/we see as high femme and where I suppose I fall (though that is based more thoroughly on the range of evidence over at Fit For A Femme).

Here’s just a very brief, quick and dirty summary of the scale on The Femmemometer™:

1.  A “1″ is ever so slightly more femme than a femme-y butch, with not quite enough ambiguity to be andro or whatnot. First registered femmes on the femme scale aren’t wholly unfamiliar with make-up, heels or dresses, but they’d rather not go there.

2. “2″ femmes aren’t particularly afraid of a little ruffle, apparel-wise, and they go for more femininity in make-up and maybe even hair, but other than that, there’s not too big a difference between these gals and our friends in the “1″ category.

3. Lesbians landing at “3″ on the femmemometer tend to move easily between the 1-2 categories depending on their mood or style, but they definitely have days when they reach for heels, a bolder shade of lipstick and have a little more girl in their step. No matter what kind of day they’re having, they know how to have some femme fun.

4. Femmes at “4″ are 100% comfortable with all the prettifying and primping that comes with being femme, but they’re still really good at exuding that special something “gay” that many femmes higher up on the femmemometer lose in a fog of femme invisibility.

5. Middle-of-the-road femmes at “5″ definitely hit all the right notes in terms of looks, are often mistaken for being straight, but feel more casually femme – they’re versatile! I suspect they don’t think too much about it either way, they just are. As comfortable in dresses as they are in fleece or denim or business casual, they’re the very definition of femme.

6. We are getting to the point on the femmemometer where lesbians begin to get all starry-eyed when they think of Sephora, pretty shoes or the frocks lining the pages of Elle, Vogue and L’Officiel. Gals who find themselves at “6″ aren’t just femme; in many ways they savor much of what comes with the territory. They may very well spend some days in the more carefree ranges of femme from 3-5, but they pride themselves on working and owning their “6.”

7. While a “7″ might still wear fleece, hiking boots or sweats, she does so with an undeniable, unabashed and effortless femininity. She will gladly go camping or on a hike, but she WILL do so wearing lip gloss and she won’t give two shits what anyone’s got to say about it.

8. Wears perfume to an equal rights rally! Puts on high heels for outdoorsy things, like taking the dogs for a walk or to the local farmer’s market! I am an “8,” own furniture solely to house my pretty, pretty shoe collection and more clutches than I care to admit, but you bet your ass I can still change my own flat tire, can probably spit farther than most butches and am prone to carrying a shiny switchblade in my boot. The world doesn’t end if I break a nail, but I reserve the right to be pissy and/or pout about it, a little.

9. It’s not that a “9″ femme can’t manage on her own, it’s just that she doesn’t particularly see why she should have to, sometimes. Plus, her get-ups are just a little more elaborate, a little more restricting in the loveliest possible way, and the truth is that there’s always a plethora of adoring butches, bois and the like waiting to show her their chivalrous side. She’s always very va-va-voom, very au courant – she can’t help it, she’s a “9″!

10. “10s” are the crème de la crème of femme. You will look at her and have absolutely no idea how she does it, but you will be so, so glad that she does. They are the rarest of them all and always exquisitely made-up, perfectly manicured and coiffed, dressed expertly and with a discerning, impeccable attention to detail. It is probably unwise to call them spontaneously to ask them to meet you downstairs in 15 or even 30 minutes, however, this kind of femme magic takes planning and time.

We hope that you enjoyed our little femmemometer project and please, by all means tell us if we are off or downright wrong or have inadvertently missed someone or left them out. We’re not trying to box anyone into a category, this is just a pictoral-with-footnotes version of our best guesses in a wide and constantly growing and fluid spectrum of femme.

Sincerely,

The Loverbirds

The self-described satirical quiz gives you a score based on your answers to 100 multiple choice questions, and your rating is based on a score between 1 and 100 (1 being the most femme and 100 being the most butch).

My score: 33-40
M’s score: 53-60

Seriously, their description of the highest femme – the “extreme” femme – makes me nauseous. They literally refer to her as a Mrs. Cleaver, and the description for the most extreme butch isn’t that much more pleasant. M was hoping for the boot butch category, but they, apparently, are slobs. “We’re too cerebral for this!” she snarked, and I am tempted to agree with her.

So, so very strange. You can take the quiz here, if you’re interested.

Anyway, this all came about because of the very thought-provoking and interesting posts over at Sublime Femme. (She wrote a fantastic post on MLK Jr. today, by the by.) The subjects of high femme, whether I’m one or not and why so many assign the label to me are weighing on my mind this evening.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a whole new category for femmes like myself. Something for femmes who aren’t as committed to the mechanization of high femme but are aesthetes in every (femme) sense nonetheless, who have the tendency and/or capacity to think and do a little more “butch” than their exteriors lead others to believe and – let’s face it – are quite the chameleons in bed, but not particularly invested in the “switch” label.

M would like to call this pedigree of femme the “Medium Rare Femme.” Delicious and nutritious, juicy like a perfectly cooked steak and never, ever overdone.

1. Do you ever get “​​​​​good m​ornin​g”​​​​​ texts​ from anyon​e?
A: No, but if I did, I would punch that person in the mouth.
M: I don’t know what that means.

2. Where​ is your cell phone​?
A: On the table in the sexy new sitting area.
M: In the reading corner area section.

Sexy new sitting area:

3. Who last texte​d you?
A: Nosy.
M: Twitter.

4. What time did you go to sleep​ last night​?
A: I had two interviews in SF today, so we were in bed early. 11am?
M: Early.

5. Have you ever tried​ to break​ someo​ne up?
A: What? Like in a fight?
M: I think they mean to break someone up in order to steal one of them.
A: Oh, like break up a couple? We’re fucking INDESTRUCTIBLE, motherfuckers. Try us. I dare you.
M: Don’t we always tell people to dump their so-and-so, though? Not to steal them, but for the greater good.
A: Oh. Well…sure. But that’s always in that person’s very best interests. Of course. So, yes. I/we have. But for good!

6. Have you done anyth​ing embar​rassi​ng latel​y?
A: I am constantly embarrassing myself through wack dance moves, affecting bad accents and strange outbursts. Often in public. Oh, and I’m vulgar. Sometimes.
M: Absolutely not.
A: Um, three words: LL Cool J face. I thought so, sucka.

7. What was your dream​ about​ last night​?
A: Damn it, I still haven’t written down the beginning of a story that I’ve been only just barely remembering from Monday night.
M: No, I don’t remember any from last night.

8. Are you curre​ntly frust​rated​ with a girl?
A: No…
M: I’m currently not frustrated with any girls.

9. How is your hair right​ now?
A: Fucking brilliant. M says that it looks good, like “carefree, but elegant.”
M: It’s a little floppy.

10. Have you ever been calle​d Princ​e/​​​​​Princ​ess?
A: Princesa. I almost named my kid Contessa, can you believe that? She could have been Emily Contessa ______. Awesome.
M: Yes.

11. Where​ is your biolo​gical​ fathe​r right​ now?
A: Ideally, dead.
M: I really just have no clue.

12. Do you think​ relat​ionsh​ips are ever reall​y worth​ it?
A: Would I have gotten married if I didn’t think so? Insensitive!
M: Such a retarded question.

13. Last time you slept​ over at someb​ody’​​​s house​?
A: I was in the lesbian basement. Park Slope.
M: During the hostage situation.

14. Are you a bad influ​ence?
A: Always.
M: No. Yes. It’s possible.

15. How do you feel about​ your life right​ now?
A: I feel like I hate the “rioters” in Oakland. Not the peaceful protesters. Not the people who marched for justice and awareness. The fucking attention whore wankers who ruin it for everyone else. DIE IN A FIRE. Motherfuckers. Anyway, my life is great. I have three dreamy recruiters looking for my next dream job, my lovely girls, my silly dogs and the best girlfriends a bitch could ever hope for.
M: Yeah, my life’s pretty awesome right now.

16. Has anybo​dy ever given​ you butte​rflie​s?
A: Butterflies: 2005-present.
M: Get some butterflies, Jonesey!

17. Did you laugh​ a lot at somet​hing today​?
A: “I’ll slap your fucking tits off!”
M: No. Today sucked.

18. Has anyon​e ever calle​d you baby,​​​​​ with meani​ng?
A: Sure, and I believe I shouted “BABY!” when you walked through the front door tonight.
M: Does with meaning mean an infant or…? I did get some baby milk in the mail.
A: Formula. Like two canisters.

19. When you see new peopl​e,​​ ​​​do you judge​ how they look or act?
A: Hey, remember when instead of “There’s no place like home,” I said “There’s no place like the dentist,” because that chick’s teeth were fucked up? That was hilare.
M: Yes.

20. Whats​ bothe​ring you right​ now?
A: Apparently, there were bible thumpers at the late part of the rally, talking about “fire and brimstone.” Is that what set it off?
M: Memphis.

21. Besid​es this,​​​​​ what are you doing​ right​ now?
A: Watching American Idol and following Oakland twitters.
M: Waiting for Top Chef. Top Scallops!

22. Will you be up befor​e 7 am tomor​row?
A: Fuck that noise.
M: No.

23. Have you kisse​d anyon​e this past week?
A: Heck yes.
M: YAH!

24. Do you plan on falli​ng in love in 2009?
A: A whole bunch of times.
M: Yes.

25. What are you doing​ tomor​row?
A: Getting my hair did and going to a friend’s fabulous birthday dinner.
M: We’re going to that steakhouse.

26. Witho​ut stati​ng the name,​​​​​​ say somet​hing to someo​ne you disli​ke?
A: You’re so fucking trashy and gross.
M: Eat a bag of dicks.

27. Would​ you ever get a tatto​o?
A: We need to get some.
M: The ____!

28. Would​ you rathe​r it be sunny​ or rainy​?
A: Seriously, I hate this “winter” so much.
M: It depends on the season.

29. Do you sing obnox​iousl​y in the car?
A: Am I obnoxious, bebe?
M: No. No.

30. Do you plan on movin​g out withi​n the next year or two?
A: Yes, and I’m throwing my kid into Catholic school.
M: Yes.

31. When is the last time someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex gave you a hug?
A: My dog is male. We hug.
M: Gross.

32. Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?
A: I miss my disposable income.
M: You don’t miss that job, Jonesey.
A: I didn’t say I missed the job, I said I missed the disposable income. I love knowing that with this next job, I’ll have even MORE disposable income.

33. How many pills​ do you take a day?
A: I was SO good about taking my gummi bear vitamins. They’re all gone now. The Flinstones ones aren’t as good. Boo.
M: Zero.

34. Do you get nervo​us befor​e docto​r appoi​ntmen​ts?
A: No. I get fucking bossy and I make lists. FIX IT, BITCH. This is what I pay you for.
M: I get annoyed.

35. Have you ever broke​n a windo​w on purpo​se?
A: Well, I was trying to break into my own house once because I locked myself out, but I accidentally shattered the window and then fell on my ass into a bush sprinkled with shards of glass. HAWT.
M: Does an abandoned warehouse count?

36. In one word,​​​​​​ how do you feel right​ now?
A: Breezy.
M: Tsch.

37. Excited about 2009?
A: Very.
M: Yes, it’s going swell.

38. Where​ did you get the shirt​ you’​​​​​​re weari​ng?
A: Coney Island’s Lola Starr.
M: The Gap.
A: That’s so boring, bebe.
M: I need more black shirts!
A: I’ll pick them for you. So they’re not boring.

39. Are there​ any stres​sful situa​tions​ in your life?
A: Being a woman is stressful.
M: Uh…just, you know, some riots 5-6 blocks away.

40. Is there​ someo​ne you don’​​​​t ever want to be out of your life?
A: A few.
M: You, Bonsey.

41.
How do you feel about​ girls​ smoki​ng?
A: I feel that young people shouldn’t smoke at all, whether they’re girls or boys.
M: I feel that it’s a free country.

42. Do peopl​e tend to walk all over you?
A: If they try, they learn real quick that I don’t play that.
M: No.

43. Are you reall​y happy​ or are you just sayin​g that?
A: So. Deep. But yes, I am authentically happy.
M: I am really happy, I am non-Cymbalta happy.

44. If you were kicke​d out of your curre​nt resid​ence whom would​ you call?
A: Don’t kick me out, bebe.
M: Why would I be kicked out of my current residence? I’d call the police!

45. Do you have a hard time admit​ting you’​​​​re wrong​?
A: Not at all. Accepting or admitting? They’re very different, you know. I would have been a great lawyer.
M: Yes.
A: God, you do.
M: Which means I’m not wrong.
A: You are wrong SO MUCH.

46. Will you have a valen​tine this year?
A: You’re my perma-Valentine. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXY.
M: Absolutely.

TOP THAT.

You love me for that, admit it.

Love,

The Loverbirds

There’s kind of nothing more FABULOUS than this, bona fide gay-man’s-wet-dream fabulous:

Just for funsies:

The friend brought me a present! Fantastic.

The master plan for my potential new bangs:

In other news, VS, your Swim 2009 collection is seriously the suck. It’s all just so bloody ugly, or overpriced knockoffs of lovelier, more reasonably priced bathing beauties.

Why I’ll always hold a permanent grudge for CB2:

Mosaic chocolates, courtesy of SF chocolatier Joseph Schmidt, from our date on Saturday:

What kind of disgusting bastard puts his fancy toiletries on top of the TOILET? Epic fail, Sir Nasty McNasterson:

And yes, I hate myself for watching that.

Wombmoon,

SBJ

Fucking mind-blowing:

CONGRATS ON BECOMING A NEW DADDY AND A FUCKING MURDERER, JOHANNES MEHSERLE!

It’s been a theme, in recent weeks. M & I getting into deep, philosophical discussions on the national if not global effect of rapidly increasing non-consequence or total lack of repercussions for one’s actions, on macro and micro levels. (HI, BAILOUT. HI, BUSH REGIME.)

Thanks, BART cops, for the perfect micro example. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, a young, unarmed man detained by BART police was forcibly held on the ground at the Fruitvale station ON HIS STOMACH when the above-named officer shot him fatally in the back.

Unbelievable. Inexcusable. Total fucking bullshit.

All the world,

Skinny

WE WANT THAT.

POLLO REGALITO – 1/2 Roast free-range chicken, Choice of lime or chile – garlic marinade, served with sautéed greens or papas fritas:

MACHACA – Shredded grilled beef sautéed with tomato, onion, garlic, and green chile served over whole pintos:

CHURROS Y CHOCOLATE – A mug of hot chocolate and house made churros:

All dishes and dish descriptions from Regalito Rosticeria in SF’s Mission District.

Love,

Skinny & M

Well, I am still not convinced it is mold. I need a microscope to be sure. For safety concerns, I threw out the two that I opened, but trust me, I still have 18 more in a box in the cabinet. Those are not going anywhere until science has had its day in court!

As for that FDA report thing, one can find anything on the internet.  Such as medical reports linking make up to all sorts of health issues, but do you see me bombarding her sephora trips with “government reports” or other made-up propaganda?? Hmph!

Now I shall console my indignities with some delicious guava roll! This one IS supposed to have white stuff, it is only sugar!

-M