Tonight, M & I did a survey while she/we waiting for Top Chef (I’m not really a fan) to start, with the caterwauls from American Idol and the thuppa-thuppa-thuppa from 84,000 helicopters in downtown Oakland sang lullabies in the background. YAY. In case your Thursday is as boring as our Wednesday night, here:
1. Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
A: No, but if I did, I would punch that person in the mouth.
M: I don’t know what that means.
2. Where is your cell phone?
A: On the table in the sexy new sitting area.
M: In the reading corner area section.
Sexy new sitting area:
3. Who last texted you?
A: Nosy.
M: Twitter.
4. What time did you go to sleep last night?
A: I had two interviews in SF today, so we were in bed early. 11am?
M: Early.
5. Have you ever tried to break someone up?
A: What? Like in a fight?
M: I think they mean to break someone up in order to steal one of them.
A: Oh, like break up a couple? We’re fucking INDESTRUCTIBLE, motherfuckers. Try us. I dare you.
M: Don’t we always tell people to dump their so-and-so, though? Not to steal them, but for the greater good.
A: Oh. Well…sure. But that’s always in that person’s very best interests. Of course. So, yes. I/we have. But for good!
6. Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
A: I am constantly embarrassing myself through wack dance moves, affecting bad accents and strange outbursts. Often in public. Oh, and I’m vulgar. Sometimes.
M: Absolutely not.
A: Um, three words: LL Cool J face. I thought so, sucka.
7. What was your dream about last night?
A: Damn it, I still haven’t written down the beginning of a story that I’ve been only just barely remembering from Monday night.
M: No, I don’t remember any from last night.
8. Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
A: No…
M: I’m currently not frustrated with any girls.
9. How is your hair right now?
A: Fucking brilliant. M says that it looks good, like “carefree, but elegant.”
M: It’s a little floppy.
10. Have you ever been called Prince/Princess?
A: Princesa. I almost named my kid Contessa, can you believe that? She could have been Emily Contessa ______. Awesome.
M: Yes.
11. Where is your biological father right now?
A: Ideally, dead.
M: I really just have no clue.
12. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
A: Would I have gotten married if I didn’t think so? Insensitive!
M: Such a retarded question.
13. Last time you slept over at somebody’s house?
A: I was in the lesbian basement. Park Slope.
M: During the hostage situation.
14. Are you a bad influence?
A: Always.
M: No. Yes. It’s possible.
15. How do you feel about your life right now?
A: I feel like I hate the “rioters” in Oakland. Not the peaceful protesters. Not the people who marched for justice and awareness. The fucking attention whore wankers who ruin it for everyone else. DIE IN A FIRE. Motherfuckers. Anyway, my life is great. I have three dreamy recruiters looking for my next dream job, my lovely girls, my silly dogs and the best girlfriends a bitch could ever hope for.
M: Yeah, my life’s pretty awesome right now.
16. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
A: Butterflies: 2005-present.
M: Get some butterflies, Jonesey!
17. Did you laugh a lot at something today?
A: “I’ll slap your fucking tits off!”
M: No. Today sucked.
18. Has anyone ever called you baby, with meaning?
A: Sure, and I believe I shouted “BABY!” when you walked through the front door tonight.
M: Does with meaning mean an infant or…? I did get some baby milk in the mail.
A: Formula. Like two canisters.
19. When you see new people, do you judge how they look or act?
A: Hey, remember when instead of “There’s no place like home,” I said “There’s no place like the dentist,” because that chick’s teeth were fucked up? That was hilare.
M: Yes.
20. Whats bothering you right now?
A: Apparently, there were bible thumpers at the late part of the rally, talking about “fire and brimstone.” Is that what set it off?
M: Memphis.
21. Besides this, what are you doing right now?
A: Watching American Idol and following Oakland twitters.
M: Waiting for Top Chef. Top Scallops!
22. Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
A: Fuck that noise.
M: No.
23. Have you kissed anyone this past week?
A: Heck yes.
M: YAH!
24. Do you plan on falling in love in 2009?
A: A whole bunch of times.
M: Yes.
25. What are you doing tomorrow?
A: Getting my hair did and going to a friend’s fabulous birthday dinner.
M: We’re going to that steakhouse.
26. Without stating the name, say something to someone you dislike?
A: You’re so fucking trashy and gross.
M: Eat a bag of dicks.
27. Would you ever get a tattoo?
A: We need to get some.
M: The ____!
28. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
A: Seriously, I hate this “winter” so much.
M: It depends on the season.
29. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
A: Am I obnoxious, bebe?
M: No. No.
30. Do you plan on moving out within the next year or two?
A: Yes, and I’m throwing my kid into Catholic school.
M: Yes.
31. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
A: My dog is male. We hug.
M: Gross.
32. Do you miss the way things used to be?
A: I miss my disposable income.
M: You don’t miss that job, Jonesey.
A: I didn’t say I missed the job, I said I missed the disposable income. I love knowing that with this next job, I’ll have even MORE disposable income.
33. How many pills do you take a day?
A: I was SO good about taking my gummi bear vitamins. They’re all gone now. The Flinstones ones aren’t as good. Boo.
M: Zero.
34. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
A: No. I get fucking bossy and I make lists. FIX IT, BITCH. This is what I pay you for.
M: I get annoyed.
35. Have you ever broken a window on purpose?
A: Well, I was trying to break into my own house once because I locked myself out, but I accidentally shattered the window and then fell on my ass into a bush sprinkled with shards of glass. HAWT.
M: Does an abandoned warehouse count?
36. In one word, how do you feel right now?
A: Breezy.
M: Tsch.
37. Excited about 2009?
A: Very.
M: Yes, it’s going swell.
38. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
A: Coney Island’s Lola Starr.
M: The Gap.
A: That’s so boring, bebe.
M: I need more black shirts!
A: I’ll pick them for you. So they’re not boring.
39. Are there any stressful situations in your life?
A: Being a woman is stressful.
M: Uh…just, you know, some riots 5-6 blocks away.
40. Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
A: A few.
M: You, Bonsey.
41.
How do you feel about girls smoking?
A: I feel that young people shouldn’t smoke at all, whether they’re girls or boys.
M: I feel that it’s a free country.
42. Do people tend to walk all over you?
A: If they try, they learn real quick that I don’t play that.
M: No.
43. Are you really happy or are you just saying that?
A: So. Deep. But yes, I am authentically happy.
M: I am really happy, I am non-Cymbalta happy.
44. If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
A: Don’t kick me out, bebe.
M: Why would I be kicked out of my current residence? I’d call the police!
45. Do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong?
A: Not at all. Accepting or admitting? They’re very different, you know. I would have been a great lawyer.
M: Yes.
A: God, you do.
M: Which means I’m not wrong.
A: You are wrong SO MUCH.
46. Will you have a valentine this year?
A: You’re my perma-Valentine. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXY.
M: Absolutely.
TOP THAT.
You love me for that, admit it.
Love,
The Loverbirds
Nice clip. Now I’m going to have that song stuck in my head…Top that!
#19: Hilarious. The worst thing I ever thought about seeing someone for the first time was: Dang, that person got hit with the ugly stick!
I felt bad for them, seriously.
Okay, my new goal in life is to find an excuse to say “I’ll slap your fucking tits off!”.
@ coop: I can’t take credit for that! That gem is from the Mayor of Bethville!