Sometimes at night or early in the morning when there is time to lay around and do nothing but look around like a fat baby, we stare at spots on the cement ceilings and yell out what the shape resembles. It is a home-made Rorschach ink blot test. Sometimes we look for shapes we already found and named, like the virgin mary spot, or the spot that looks like our dingo, Chipotle. It is a harmless game most of the time. Until recently! Controversy has polluted our game and we must resort to polling internet strangers to settle the score.
There is a new shape we never identified before, and I feel that it is very clearly a woman riding a magic carpet, while the femme feels it is a woman doing laundry on an old-timey washing machine (whatever the hell that is)! We’ll just start yelling at the ceiling and talking over each other when discussing the spot:
It’s here, at last! THE WORLD’S FIRST FEMMEMOMETER™! Isn’t it fucking amazing? I know. To clarify, we promised Sublime Femme that we’d create this wonder before the weekend was through, to give her a visual of a wide range of femmes, what I/we see as high femme and where I suppose I fall (though that is based more thoroughly on the range of evidence over at Fit For A Femme).
Here’s just a very brief, quick and dirty summary of the scale on The Femmemometer™:
1. A “1″ is ever so slightly more femme than a femme-y butch, with not quite enough ambiguity to be andro or whatnot. First registered femmes on the femme scale aren’t wholly unfamiliar with make-up, heels or dresses, but they’d rather not go there.
2. “2″ femmes aren’t particularly afraid of a little ruffle, apparel-wise, and they go for more femininity in make-up and maybe even hair, but other than that, there’s not too big a difference between these gals and our friends in the “1″ category.
3. Lesbians landing at “3″ on the femmemometer tend to move easily between the 1-2 categories depending on their mood or style, but they definitely have days when they reach for heels, a bolder shade of lipstick and have a little more girl in their step. No matter what kind of day they’re having, they know how to have some femme fun.
4. Femmes at “4″ are 100% comfortable with all the prettifying and primping that comes with being femme, but they’re still really good at exuding that special something “gay” that many femmes higher up on the femmemometer lose in a fog of femme invisibility.
5. Middle-of-the-road femmes at “5″ definitely hit all the right notes in terms of looks, are often mistaken for being straight, but feel more casually femme – they’re versatile! I suspect they don’t think too much about it either way, they just are. As comfortable in dresses as they are in fleece or denim or business casual, they’re the very definition of femme.
6. We are getting to the point on the femmemometer where lesbians begin to get all starry-eyed when they think of Sephora, pretty shoes or the frocks lining the pages of Elle, Vogue and L’Officiel. Gals who find themselves at “6″ aren’t just femme; in many ways they savor much of what comes with the territory. They may very well spend some days in the more carefree ranges of femme from 3-5, but they pride themselves on working and owning their “6.”
7. While a “7″ might still wear fleece, hiking boots or sweats, she does so with an undeniable, unabashed and effortless femininity. She will gladly go camping or on a hike, but she WILL do so wearing lip gloss and she won’t give two shits what anyone’s got to say about it.
8. Wears perfume to an equal rights rally! Puts on high heels for outdoorsy things, like taking the dogs for a walk or to the local farmer’s market! I am an “8,” own furniture solely to house my pretty, pretty shoe collection and more clutches than I care to admit, but you bet your ass I can still change my own flat tire, can probably spit farther than most butches and am prone to carrying a shiny switchblade in my boot. The world doesn’t end if I break a nail, but I reserve the right to be pissy and/or pout about it, a little.
9. It’s not that a “9″ femme can’t manage on her own, it’s just that she doesn’t particularly see why she should have to, sometimes. Plus, her get-ups are just a little more elaborate, a little more restricting in the loveliest possible way, and the truth is that there’s always a plethora of adoring butches, bois and the like waiting to show her their chivalrous side. She’s always very va-va-voom, very au courant – she can’t help it, she’s a “9″!
10. “10s” are the crème de la crème of femme. You will look at her and have absolutely no idea how she does it, but you will be so, so glad that she does. They are the rarest of them all and always exquisitely made-up, perfectly manicured and coiffed, dressed expertly and with a discerning, impeccable attention to detail. It is probably unwise to call them spontaneously to ask them to meet you downstairs in 15 or even 30 minutes, however, this kind of femme magic takes planning and time.
We hope that you enjoyed our little femmemometer project and please, by all means tell us if we are off or downright wrong or have inadvertently missed someone or left them out. We’re not trying to box anyone into a category, this is just a pictoral-with-footnotes version of our best guesses in a wide and constantly growing and fluid spectrum of femme.
M & I both took this sort of ridiculous quiz to determine where we fall on the butch/femme spectrum, and our results surprised us both. While I only just BARELY made it into one of five femme categories – “strong femme,” the least femme of them all, even! – M wasn’t categorized as butch at all. She got the “hard androgyne” score.
The self-described satirical quiz gives you a score based on your answers to 100 multiple choice questions, and your rating is based on a score between 1 and 100 (1 being the most femme and 100 being the most butch).
My score: 33-40
M’s score: 53-60
Seriously, their description of the highest femme – the “extreme” femme – makes me nauseous. They literally refer to her as a Mrs. Cleaver, and the description for the most extreme butch isn’t that much more pleasant. M was hoping for the boot butch category, but they, apparently, are slobs. “We’re too cerebral for this!” she snarked, and I am tempted to agree with her.
So, so very strange. You can take the quiz here, if you’re interested.
Anyway, this all came about because of the very thought-provoking and interesting posts over at Sublime Femme. (She wrote a fantastic post on MLK Jr. today, by the by.) The subjects of high femme, whether I’m one or not and why so many assign the label to me are weighing on my mind this evening.
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a whole new category for femmes like myself. Something for femmes who aren’t as committed to the mechanization of high femme but are aesthetes in every (femme) sense nonetheless, who have the tendency and/or capacity to think and do a little more “butch” than their exteriors lead others to believe and – let’s face it – are quite the chameleons in bed, but not particularly invested in the “switch” label.
M would like to call this pedigree of femme the “Medium Rare Femme.” Delicious and nutritious, juicy like a perfectly cooked steak and never, ever overdone.
Tonight, M & I did a survey while she/we waiting for Top Chef (I’m not really a fan) to start, with the caterwauls from American Idol and the thuppa-thuppa-thuppa from 84,000 helicopters in downtown Oakland sang lullabies in the background. YAY. In case your Thursday is as boring as our Wednesday night, here:
1. Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
A: No, but if I did, I would punch that person in the mouth.
M: I don’t know what that means.
2. Where is your cell phone?
A: On the table in the sexy new sitting area.
M: In the reading corner area section.
Sexy new sitting area:
3. Who last texted you?
A: Nosy.
M: Twitter.
4. What time did you go to sleep last night?
A: I had two interviews in SF today, so we were in bed early. 11am?
M: Early.
5. Have you ever tried to break someone up?
A: What? Like in a fight?
M: I think they mean to break someone up in order to steal one of them.
A: Oh, like break up a couple? We’re fucking INDESTRUCTIBLE, motherfuckers. Try us. I dare you.
M: Don’t we always tell people to dump their so-and-so, though? Not to steal them, but for the greater good.
A: Oh. Well…sure. But that’s always in that person’s very best interests. Of course. So, yes. I/we have. But for good!
6. Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
A: I am constantly embarrassing myself through wack dance moves, affecting bad accents and strange outbursts. Often in public. Oh, and I’m vulgar. Sometimes.
M: Absolutely not.
A: Um, three words: LL Cool J face. I thought so, sucka.
7. What was your dream about last night?
A: Damn it, I still haven’t written down the beginning of a story that I’ve been only just barely remembering from Monday night.
M: No, I don’t remember any from last night.
8. Are you currently frustrated with a girl?
A: No…
M: I’m currently not frustrated with any girls.
9. How is your hair right now?
A: Fucking brilliant. M says that it looks good, like “carefree, but elegant.”
M: It’s a little floppy.
10. Have you ever been called Prince/Princess?
A: Princesa. I almost named my kid Contessa, can you believe that? She could have been Emily Contessa ______. Awesome.
M: Yes.
11. Where is your biological father right now?
A: Ideally, dead.
M: I really just have no clue.
12. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
A: Would I have gotten married if I didn’t think so? Insensitive!
M: Such a retarded question.
13. Last time you slept over at somebody’s house?
A: I was in the lesbian basement. Park Slope.
M: During the hostage situation.
14. Are you a bad influence?
A: Always.
M: No. Yes. It’s possible.
15. How do you feel about your life right now?
A: I feel like I hate the “rioters” in Oakland. Not the peaceful protesters. Not the people who marched for justice and awareness. The fucking attention whore wankers who ruin it for everyone else. DIE IN A FIRE. Motherfuckers. Anyway, my life is great. I have three dreamy recruiters looking for my next dream job, my lovely girls, my silly dogs and the best girlfriends a bitch could ever hope for.
M: Yeah, my life’s pretty awesome right now.
16. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
A: Butterflies: 2005-present.
M: Get some butterflies, Jonesey!
17. Did you laugh a lot at something today?
A: “I’ll slap your fucking tits off!”
M: No. Today sucked.
18. Has anyone ever called you baby, with meaning?
A: Sure, and I believe I shouted “BABY!” when you walked through the front door tonight.
M: Does with meaning mean an infant or…? I did get some baby milk in the mail.
A: Formula. Like two canisters.
19. When you see new people, do you judge how they look or act?
A: Hey, remember when instead of “There’s no place like home,” I said “There’s no place like the dentist,” because that chick’s teeth were fucked up? That was hilare.
M: Yes.
20. Whats bothering you right now?
A: Apparently, there were bible thumpers at the late part of the rally, talking about “fire and brimstone.” Is that what set it off?
M: Memphis.
21. Besides this, what are you doing right now?
A: Watching American Idol and following Oakland twitters.
M: Waiting for Top Chef. Top Scallops!
22. Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
A: Fuck that noise.
M: No.
23. Have you kissed anyone this past week?
A: Heck yes.
M: YAH!
24. Do you plan on falling in love in 2009?
A: A whole bunch of times.
M: Yes.
25. What are you doing tomorrow?
A: Getting my hair did and going to a friend’s fabulous birthday dinner.
M: We’re going to that steakhouse.
26. Without stating the name, say something to someone you dislike?
A: You’re so fucking trashy and gross.
M: Eat a bag of dicks.
27. Would you ever get a tattoo?
A: We need to get some.
M: The ____!
28. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
A: Seriously, I hate this “winter” so much.
M: It depends on the season.
29. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
A: Am I obnoxious, bebe?
M: No. No.
30. Do you plan on moving out within the next year or two?
A: Yes, and I’m throwing my kid into Catholic school.
M: Yes.
31. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
A: My dog is male. We hug.
M: Gross.
32. Do you miss the way things used to be?
A: I miss my disposable income.
M: You don’t miss that job, Jonesey.
A: I didn’t say I missed the job, I said I missed the disposable income. I love knowing that with this next job, I’ll have even MORE disposable income.
33. How many pills do you take a day?
A: I was SO good about taking my gummi bear vitamins. They’re all gone now. The Flinstones ones aren’t as good. Boo.
M: Zero.
34. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
A: No. I get fucking bossy and I make lists. FIX IT, BITCH. This is what I pay you for.
M: I get annoyed.
35. Have you ever broken a window on purpose?
A: Well, I was trying to break into my own house once because I locked myself out, but I accidentally shattered the window and then fell on my ass into a bush sprinkled with shards of glass. HAWT.
M: Does an abandoned warehouse count?
36. In one word, how do you feel right now?
A: Breezy.
M: Tsch.
38. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
A: Coney Island’s Lola Starr.
M: The Gap.
A: That’s so boring, bebe.
M: I need more black shirts!
A: I’ll pick them for you. So they’re not boring.
39. Are there any stressful situations in your life?
A: Being a woman is stressful.
M: Uh…just, you know, some riots 5-6 blocks away.
40. Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
A: A few.
M: You, Bonsey.
41.
How do you feel about girls smoking?
A: I feel that young people shouldn’t smoke at all, whether they’re girls or boys.
M: I feel that it’s a free country.
42. Do people tend to walk all over you?
A: If they try, they learn real quick that I don’t play that.
M: No.
43. Are you really happy or are you just saying that?
A: So. Deep. But yes, I am authentically happy.
M: I am really happy, I am non-Cymbalta happy.
44. If you were kicked out of your current residence whom would you call?
A: Don’t kick me out, bebe.
M: Why would I be kicked out of my current residence? I’d call the police!
45. Do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong?
A: Not at all. Accepting or admitting? They’re very different, you know. I would have been a great lawyer.
M: Yes.
A: God, you do.
M: Which means I’m not wrong.
A: You are wrong SO MUCH.
46. Will you have a valentine this year?
A: You’re my perma-Valentine. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXY.
M: Absolutely.
So, we’re sitting here watching The Bachelor (WHERE THE FUCK IS DEANNA?) and this one gal has on a colorful dress with a ruffle ripple cascading down the side and of course the first thing I blurt out is “Carmen Miranda!” but M blurts out “Daisy Fuentes” and I’m like, “Honey, no. Let me show you it.”
There’s kind of nothing more FABULOUS than this, bona fide gay-man’s-wet-dream fabulous:
A friend of ours came to visit in this shirt over the weekend:
The friend brought me a present! Fantastic.
The master plan for my potential new bangs:
In other news, VS, your Swim 2009 collection is seriously the suck. It’s all just so bloody ugly, or overpriced knockoffs of lovelier, more reasonably priced bathing beauties.
Why I’ll always hold a permanent grudge for CB2:
Mosaic chocolates, courtesy of SF chocolatier Joseph Schmidt, from our date on Saturday:
What kind of disgusting bastard puts his fancy toiletries on top of the TOILET? Epic fail, Sir Nasty McNasterson:
It’s been a theme, in recent weeks. M & I getting into deep, philosophical discussions on the national if not global effect of rapidly increasing non-consequence or total lack of repercussions for one’s actions, on macro and micro levels. (HI, BAILOUT. HI, BUSH REGIME.)
Guys, I am 31 years old, which means that I have been eating Mexican candy for at least 30 years. Do you know how many times I have encountered mold in my candy? Zero. Absolute-zero times. If I see white-powdery stuff on candy I imagine it to be salt or lemon-salt or sugar. And it just makes it more delicious! Since I have never had this one before, I stopped — is it supposed to have white powder? I mean, I am okay if it is. But the Skinny one immediately panicked just like she does when it is one day after the sell-by date on milk or aspirin or what have you. Those dates don’t even mean anything! Pffft.
Well, I am still not convinced it is mold. I need a microscope to be sure. For safety concerns, I threw out the two that I opened, but trust me, I still have 18 more in a box in the cabinet. Those are not going anywhere until science has had its day in court!
As for that FDA report thing, one can find anything on the internet. Such as medical reports linking make up to all sorts of health issues, but do you see me bombarding her sephora trips with “government reports” or other made-up propaganda?? Hmph!
Now I shall console my indignities with some delicious guava roll! This one IS supposed to have white stuff, it is only sugar!
A search for old-timey washing machine:
